Nobody likes a complainer, right? Apparently, there are entire websites dedicated to putting an end to complaints.
And while chronic complaining IS a total drag, I find it a little ironic to complain about complainers. Perhaps, a form of optimistic complaining?
If I had to choose between voicing a complaint or a solution – of course, I’d choose a solution… I mean, if I had one at the time. But, depending on the problem, the solution isn’t always that easy or clear, is it? Problem solving is a process.
Recognizing and voicing what’s wrong eventually might lead to what’s right. There is a place in this world for complaints, rants, and vents.
It’s a matter of having the self-awareness to know whether you’re throwing yourself a pity party or complaining constructively. Just like there is constructive criticism, there is also constructive complaining.
And no, I’m not going to make up a list of “rules” that define what constructive complaining is in pretty bullet point format. This isn’t that kinda blog.
This is a conversation about intolerance and compassion.
About not tolerating complaints or alternative methods of problem solving. And that’s a shame, because you miss out on an opportunity to show someone compassion who might really need it.
What does compassion mean to you?
Jeff Goins describes compassion as ‘suffering with’ someone. He goes on to say in his book, Wrecked - “Our brokenheartedness at the injustices we witness is what gives us compassion. So when we rush past these messy and uncomfortable moments, we take away the experiences that teach us mercy.”
When you look at it that way, it becomes very clear why people are so uncomfortable around complaining or hearing bad news in general. We all want to avoid suffering as much as possible, don’t we? But, should we avoid it?
Ten months ago, I got the worst news of my life, and I found out very quickly that people were more interested in telling me how I should feel, how to look at it in some positive way than just listening. So, I stopped talking about it. I’d rather say nothing than act delusional by sugar-coating reality. I’d rather suffer alone than deny that I’m in pain.
But, the pain is good.
Because without the pain, where’s the impact? How do you learn? How do you know which way is pleasure if you can’t even call pain by it’s real name?
If you’re too busy numbing it down with pretty positive substitutions that you find in some book by Tony Robbins? How do you know what matters if you refuse to experience the emptiness that arrives when you lose something or worse – someone you love?
If you don’t call things what they really are, then aren’t you just like that bee that keeps crashing into the window over and over saying… this time! this time! this time! this time! …. ?
All the optimism in the world doesn’t change the fact that he’s ramming his poor little head into the glass. It isn’t until he calls it GLASS does he finally have the option of figuring out a way to open the window or risk his life by crashing his body right through it. Those are your options. Do you understand? Those are it. I’m sorry it doesn’t prettier.
I’m sorry I don’t have a famous quote that makes you feel warm and fuzzy about life. But, the good news is that it isn’t that bad.
To face things. The way they REALLY are. It’s liberating. To not be sold a story anymore. To start writing your own. See, I don’t want to “sell you anything” because I’d rather you create something instead…
Will you?
It’s so easy to get tagged with “complainer” if one doesn’t easily come up with solutions… but the first step of fixing anything is recognizing that it’s a problem. The second step is figuring out what the real causes (pretty much always Plural, too, dammit!) are. *Then* people can work on solutions to those causes.
(That’s a Rant, my friends, certainly not aimed at any of the comments here!!)
So true. I find myself ranting/complaining because I’m leading towards a solution – it’s a process. Thanks for your thoughts! :)
Damn. There’s a dose of reality right there.
I know you’re not selling me anything Denise. You might want to try sometime though…I might be interested knowing how great your stuff is. :)
I try to adopt my almost 100 year old grandpa’s philosophy on complaining. You better have a damn fine reason to do it AND a goal to accomplish with it. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your own time and the people you’re complaining to.
I dig the parallel between constructive criticism and constructive complaining by the way. Like a lot of things you write about here, I’ve never thought about it that way. But going forward, I have a new lens to view the act and intention behind complaining.
Thanks, Joel. I like your grandpa’s philosophy! Complaining is actually exhausting, in my opinion. Both to do and to listen to. The complaint has to matter enough for me to exert that energy, but when it matters, I will.
I’m so glad you posted this, Denise. My husband and I walk every morning, so there is plenty of time to talk. We’re usually very upbeat and positive (or positively ridiculous!), but there are those times when I find myself complaining. What I have noticed is that because we are so close we are often able to generate solutions. It’s hard to be a Pollyanna all the time! Glad you put words to what I have been feeling. Ignoring the pain doesn’t make it go away like figuring out a plan and taking action does! Thank you!
So very true, you have to face it first before you can get to the solution, right? Appreciate your comment!
Oh yeah… we are collectively a society that is just not cool with pain, sitting with pain, meeting pain with compassion. I notice in myself an intense desire to run away or distract when the pain is hard… but then it just comes back and worse. And learning to meet the pain of others with compassion is also really hard for me because of epic caretaker syndrome. But we learn. Pain is a part of life, absolutely. And a great week for this post, might I add…
Thanks, Sarah. And I can understand about being careful with taking on the caretaker roll. I’ve seen that kinda thing get out of hand.
As far as society avoiding to meet pain with compassion, that made me think…
I wonder if that’s why people on fb are so quick to copy and paste those statuses like – if you hate animal abuse, if you hate cancer, etc. etc… you know how it goes.. copy and paste this as your status to show how much you care, I know most of you won’t, but my real friends will……
Copy and pasting or changing your profile pic pink or whatever is EASY, you don’t actually have to feel anything at all to do that. I do see how those things can help spread awareness – get the word out about important issues – but, yeah.. compassion means a little more than a tweet or fb update.
Thank you for fingering just what is so annoying about all those “feel-good-forwards”, Denise!
(Ooh! Ooh!… and the ones that have a veiled – or not-so-veiled – threat at the end ~ OMG! makes me want to mark even my best friends as Spam! !!)
Haha, exactly. Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of images on fb that say ‘if you love your daughter/son hit like! or repost this!’
I’m tempted to create an image that says, ‘if you love your daughter/son get off your a$$ and tell them you love them to their face instead of liking useless memes on fb’ and maybe I’ll add ‘share if you agree’ just for irony’s sake, haha.
:)
Denise,
No need for warm fuzzies, but thanks for considering. The warm fuzzies come from knowing that the next guy is suffering as much or more than I am. I hope the feeling is mutual. And thank you for addressing the whole business of naming things, calling them what they are. I’ve done away with platitudes and sugar-coating which usually leaves me silent since I’m not all that clever. But it feels better than cheating my own character and cheating the suffering party with a lie or half truth. Constructive bitching can be exceedingly funny too! And laughter in the midst of a total clusterf@#k is priceless.
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
Lol, absolutely – my sense of humor might be the most useful thing I posses. Appreciate your comment! :D
I hear you Denise…
I know some chronic complainers but luckily, not many. I know that when something really horrible happened to me I got the same type of reaction that you did. People tried to sugarcoat it or tell me how I should be feeling. All it made me do is retreat so I could be by myself.
I love your analogy of the bee. So true…
We all have to go through our own hurt and sorrow in order to really know how to live. That’s why she should have compassion for others because we once were in their shoes and could possibly be again some day.
Thanks, Adrienne. Yeah, that’s how it is – people are quick to sugar coat things – they mean well, and sometimes it does help so I don’t want to deter people from trying to cheer others up – but, I do hope what I had to say here shows a different perspective, and maybe it’s a way for me to speak up for those who are afraid to sound “negative” and are afraid to complain.
Like Ethan, I especially like the bee metaphor. We can’t positive-think ourselves through a pane of glass. We have to become aware of the glass, and then get creative with solutions. Preferably our own solutions — not something being trumpeted by the experts.
I completely agree with you regarding constructive complaining. If no one will point out what’s wrong, how will it ever get fixed? How will we grow and improve and evolve? Sometimes you have to rant and rave and wave your arms around in frustration before you even realize what it is you’re trying to accomplish. Just don’t let it become your go-to mindset :-)
Thanks, Erin. Not sure if everyone has seen “Bee Movie” but that scene where he runs into the glass is funny, and he also bumps into the light bulb thinking it’s the sun :)
And yes – definitely wouldn’t want to get into a habit of needing to complain – depends on the problem/situation whether it’s necessary at all.
Beautifully written! We do live in an age where no one really wants to hear about complaints–deny anything that can cause pain and try to spin it. But you have to go through the hurt, sorrow and pain to know exactly what joy is. Without one, the other cannot exist. Also, to close our ears to others and not offer compassion is denying their experience–and it’s our experience that helps shape our perspective of life.
I agree. I’ve done the positive spin thing for a long time and it didn’t work for me. What has worked is not putting any spin on anything – just leave it as is – the way it comes at me, even if it’s not cute. Then I move forward with the optimism and hope. Perhaps, when it comes to positive-thinking – timing matters – better to not rush it.
One of my pet bugbears is watching how these sorts of fads develop, get taken far too seriously, and then collapse under the weight of their own bullshit (eventually to be resurrected). Positive thinking is one of those. It’s entirely reasonable on the surface, but then people start to take it too literally. That’s where we’re at now. Positive thinking that denies reality. Utter paranoia towards people who correctly identify reality. Not to worry, though. Soon the pendulum will swing the other way, and we’ll start to decry the Pollyanas who naively think that the world can be other than a vale of tears.
In the meantime, we’ll just do what we need to to handle things on our own.
Ah yes.. I’m sure trends will shift as time goes on.
I’m going to take this opportunity to clarify something….
What everyone does or believes is their business – if putting a positive spin on anything and everything works for people then great. Do what works. I’m not discriminating.
I only become concerned when things get taken too far – like you said. Because what happens is – that starts to impact other people around you in different ways – and not always in good ways.
For example – you might feel like your demeanor is a pleasure to be around because you’re positive & motivating all the time – and maybe it does motivate some and they even tell you so.
But, the people you WON’T hear from are the ones that you alienated. The ones that got the hint that you only come around when things are cheerful. I believe strongly that people that take things too far in this way become somewhat disconnected from reality and lose their sense of compassion big time without even realizing it. We all have to find balance in things and understand that our actions affect more than just us.
A few months ago, I read “Bright Sided” by Barbara Ehrenreich – here’s the link: http://www.amazon.com/Bright-Sided-Positive-Thinking-Undermining-America/dp/0312658850/ref=la_B000AQ4X9S_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1347391070&sr=1-3
She writes about how when she got breast cancer she found herself drowning in positive affirmations and a plethora of cute pink merchandise – ribbons, teddy bears, roses, poems, etc. It was overwhelming and it just didn’t fit into what she was really going through. She started to notice that promoters of positive thinking are quick to place negative labels on you like “victim” and “whiner” as if someone with cancer needs to feel guilty about acting like a victim. Cute quotes like “don’t cry over anything that won’t cry over you” just DON’T apply in some situations, ya know?
It kinda breaks my heart to see people guilted into silence or pressured into saying what they think people want to hear – “Oh, I can’t complain. I’m still here. Every day is a blessing… ” –
Every day IS a blessing, but what kind of day are you REALLY having? That’s what I want to know.
Anyways, I’m clearly passionate about this topic, lol. And I’m actually very optimistic, but I’m not afraid of reality either. The message here, in short – is to be aware of how your philosophies affect others – because they do.
@Shanna ~ These days, I see different segments of (American) society being at both poles: both Pollyanna and Doom-an-Gloom being carried waaaay too far, without deeply understanding the core concepts instead of the sound bites. Makes my “cave in New Zealand” fantasy look better and better!
Beautiful! I really love the bee metaphor, and that you have to recognize what the environmental limitations are before you can find a way around them.
About complaints- I think most innovative ideas start with some form of complaint. The key is first recognizing when your complaining, and quickly moving to “what can I do to change this?” to “would other people want me to help them change this too?”, but then you just become one of those advice givers ;)
Lol, advice giving isn’t a bad thing – I’m always looking for advice/opinions – as long as the advice isn’t manipulative. You can kinda get a sense when people want to genuinely help you :)
thanks, Ethan! :)