“The only thing all successful people have in common is that they’re successful, so don’t waste your time copying “the successful strategies” of others.” -Seth Godin
I’ve written before about how all personal development books are flawed. I’ve come to realize that much of what is written about personal growth in books and blogs are more like a series of epiphanies the author had throughout their life rather than solid unarguable facts.
The advice I read is best applied when I filter it.
When I dismiss what I, intuitively, know doesn’t resonate with me.
When I creatively adjust what could resonate with me… if only…
And when I accept what I know in my heart is what’s best for ME (even if it makes me uncomfortable).
If you’re reading this and thinking… ‘well, duh… of course you have to filter advice’… then that’s great, but what seems like common sense for some, isn’t for someone who might be lacking self-confidence.
And the personal growth industry tends to target people who are on the lower end of the confidence scale.
I’m one of those people.
I’m someone who has spent a long time trying to “measure up” or achieve some level of worthiness.
If you’ve ever felt that way, even temporarily, then you’ll understand how easily such fears and insecurities can be exploited in a world that is finding ever more ways to define what is success and failure, differentiate what makes someone remarkable or mediocre, and measure your authenticity.
A while back, I read this quote on facebook by Joel Salatin, founder of Polyface Farms: “If you think organic food is expensive, have you priced cancer lately?”
Now, I’m not sure if he’s trying to sell organic food, trying to cure cancer, or both. Either way, it’s insensitive marketing. Not to mention, misleading.
I can’t tell you how many stories I read about people who do “everything right” and find themselves sitting in a doctor’s office trying to process the worst news of their life.
Cancer doesn’t discriminate. It’s NOT your fault. And you’re not guaranteed a free pass just because you’re on the Paleo diet.
I realize that there are health benefits to eating organic, I’ve read all the scientific research, but yet again, someone is exploiting our fears and our vulnerable need for hope, and I am MORE than over it.
The last few months, I went through a period of feeling like I was on autopilot. I was putting stuff out there not sure if I totally believed in it. I have become so used to consuming information and taking it at face value, that I didn’t know why I resonated with certain ideas to begin with.
It takes some confidence and humility to let go.
To trash the ideas you were trying to swear by because you realize they don’t suit you. You realize they were influenced by a successful someone you admire.
Sometimes, you gotta fire the mentor and choose YOU. Then you can finally get off auto pilot.
Then the mentor becomes a peer. A person who can inspire you AND challenge you to come up with your own ideas and creations that are uniquely you.
I like it when individuals come together and share opinions.
Great blog, continue the good work!
thank you :)
You know I have been a practicing martial artist for 17 years. Part of my training has been in Tai Chi which also includes Chi Gung.
If there is one message I got from training is
1. To truly master a martial art you have to make it part of who you are. In this way you become a unique expression of the style.
2. What is good for some may not be good for others. Nobody knows your body as well as you do. I believe you can listen to your body and it will tell you what is and what is not good for you.
Thanks for sharing a very thought provoking post..
Thanks for your comment, Larry. Very true – nobody knows our body as well as we do.. gotta trust that.
What you’re sharing here Denise is somewhat similar to what I wrote about last week as far as your reputation is concerned online. All this hyped up stuff and misrepresentation really gets under my skin.
Like the example you used above about organic food, shame on them. Sometimes it’s in our genes and of no fault of our own cancer rears it’s ugly head. To introduce these scare tactics is just shameful.
You’re also right that they cater these thoughts to the weak, the less confident. Oh sure, they may be the ones that need the most assistance and I’m not saying they are all bad but the majority of them really are.
I always say go with your gut and you’ll never do the wrong thing. Easier said then done though right Denise!
Great post, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic.
~Adrienne
Yes, I hear ya – not always easy to trust your gut. But, I guess if we’re willing to take advice from strangers online or in books, then why not trust our own wisdom too, right? I wonder how often we already have the answers we’re looking for if we take an honest look inside.
Wonderfully said Denise:
As a rehabilitation psychologist and author that has worked with severe trauma, I have learned that there are no shortcuts around the volatility that is us. Epiphany is correct–authors have a wake up moment and attempt to sell that you can get to a place it took them years to figure out—in three easy steps. Keep in mind, this only sells because the ego is lazy, wants steps, and lacks discipline to change. They are selling hindsight. In truth, self-evolution occurs from catharsis. A physical transformation born out of suffering with (not for) the self. Such transformation produces insight and foresight and few walk into it voluntarily. Even fewer realize that they have a reservoir of suffering inside of them awaiting conversion. Imagine, you can stop suffering. Or, at least, with repetitive patterns of who you ‘think’ you are. There is no such thing as waste in the psyche. In your darkest material are the gems of your creative potential. Witnessing the human soul and its struggle for presence in thousands of my patients, I will tell you that there is a ‘why’ and a ‘how’ to suffering that needs to be in the mainstream. Its wisdom is analogous to Galileo’s discovery that the earth rotates around the sun. It is a complete shift in perspective about what it means to be human. For all those who ask ‘who am I’ and ‘what is my purpose’ the information is beyond personal growth–it is be part of an evolving consciousness. Thank you for all that you bring!
Well said! Appreciate you adding that.
“The ego is lazy” – makes sense. I guess that’s why people are so quick to click on links that offer too good to be true solutions to problems that are deeper than a quick fix.
I learn and appreciate something from everything I consume and the people in my life. But, for a long time, I think I thought there was an answer in one place, but of course, that hasn’t been the case. The answers never stop evolving.
Great post! Learn as much as you can, take what you need and disregard the rest. No one knows what’s best for you better than you!
Thanks for the encouragement, Kimberly :)
Good for you Denise! I had never really realized it, but it’s so true that the personal development industry markets products by putting us down and then offering their stuff to make us feel better.
Yup, and I get why, it’s a business – usually with good intentions – so, I just try to be a smart consumer & go light on the short-lived “emotional spending” as often as possible.
thanks for your comment, Ethan :)
Oh, this is great, Denise! I totally hear what you mean – there have been many times in my life when I’ve caught myself following other people’s rules and then wondering why it’s not working for me. I find that sometimes it can be hard to figure out what is right for you when there’s so much noise out there, but it’s so much better than doing it anyone else’s way. I just went out the other day and bought a day planner because I still haven’t found an online tool that I really love to use, and it’s just the best thing I ever did. :-)
Thanks, Sarah. It really can be hard to figure it all out. Nothin’ wrong with trying everything on until some clarity is reached.
Thanks for your comment!
Hello All, I have been reading the blog for a bit but never responded until today. This post is timely for me. I also wanted to mention the time when you read the self-help books, articles, etc and think, of course this is true we all know that because we’ve heard it a million different times in a thousand different ways… but recently things have changed for me. I have been given as much time to write as I want (lottery winner, I know) but it has proven to scare the crap out of me. How many respected writer’s have said writing is not for the faint of heart and the profession is a special personal hell and so on? Being able to recite the lines is different than actually living it. I had no idea the depth or level that these emotions could reach. I have always considered myself a strong person but now I’m starting to wonder if these people really knew how bad it could get or meant that we should try to stick it out when the creative wheels are grinding this hard?
I don’t know, as Erin stated, I am also, just now, starting to rely on what I think I can make it through instead of what other’s tell me I can. No one can talk you through something like this, you just have to make a decision. After being knocked down by the difficulty of this I am slowly starting to get back up and I find myself being my own self-help guru. I guess it’s having the courage to let go of the tether. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve done in my life! Good Luck!
Appreciate you commenting, Sarah :)
I totally understand. What’s weird is that writing, for me, is more draining than other more physically demanding creative activities – I also paint, and I’ve worked as a pastry chef for several years – but writing is what takes the most out of me.
I think it’s normal to go through a wandering period of relying on wisdom from others and searching for our own voice. In the end it all comes together and works out, so I appreciate the process.
All the best to you :)
I really like this post, and I honestly agree. Even the best intentioned advice has to be taken with a grain of salt. It has to be checked to make sure it suites your life and lifestyle.
thanks, Kalley.. very true :)
Hey Denise,
I agree with most of your message but I feel that what happens to us is (normally) a result of a series of decisions we made. Most of the time they’re invisible and aren’t recorded in the annals of history, but it’s a cumulative thing. I won’t get into my thoughts on epigenetics, but seeing Joel Salatin’s name makes me want to. :)
There’s no doubt in my mind that many self-help experts motivate us with the negative feelings or insecurities we possess. Some of them don’t have to but they do anyway to market and sell their product. The reality is as humans, we’re often better motivated into action by the fear of things getting worse than the prospect of things getting better. I wish it weren’t that way, but that’s what my almost 33 years of existence has taught me. However, there’s always room for messages of hope, optimism, and idealism.
Absolutely, Joel. Decisions play a big part in our life, but it would be self-defeating to think that circumstances and people don’t affect us as well. I believe in accountability, but I’ve learned not to carry the world on my shoulders.
Using fear is partly marketing, and sometimes a well intentioned way to warn people of consequences so there’s certainly good ways to use fear.
I tried to point out in the post that my decisions were influenced by my own low self-confidence, so I’ve taken accountability there.
This very blog can be categorized as personal growth, so I definitely advocate growth and learning from others. I guess that’s why this topic is so important to me. I think all of us that have entered this genre of writing need to understand that we’ve accepted a responsibility to influence people, whether we like it or not.
Sure, readers are accountable for what they do with what they’re consuming, but for me it took a very long time before I understood how to even use a self-help book in a positive and beneficial way without beating myself up about something afterwords. And I’ve seen so many people do the same thing.
Perhaps, if one is going to embark on a journey of personal growth, the first thing they should tackle is their self-esteem.
Appreciate your thoughts!
Denise, absolutely loved your message here. Go girl. Say it loud and proud and keep running with it.
Best to you!
Marcus
Thank you! Really appreciate that, Marcus! :D
Denise, I love this. It’s a distillation of something I’ve been feeling lately in a very shapeless, unnameable way. I’ve been moving away from absorbing everything the “big” bloggers say as gospel, believing everything I read in books or hear in podcasts. I’ve been moving toward engaging with the information I consume and taking the parts that work for me while leaving the rest. It hasn’t been easy, and I’m still struggling with it. I’m one of those low confidence people, too.
I definitely think there’s a fear component. Everyone wants to be the expert, so they scare you into thinking whatever they’re saying is the best way, the only way, the one thing you MUST do/have/follow/whatever. It creates this awful sense of uncertainty for me, especially when I don’t realize what’s going on.
It’s one reason I never want to become the expert on anything. I never want to get so stuck in what I’m doing that I can’t move on and end up trying to make everyone else believe whatever I’m selling or teaching or whatever is The One Thing they need. I never want to stop evolving, and the only way we can really do that, I think, is to pick and choose what we allow to get to us, good and bad.
It’s funny, I’m one of those personal growth blogs you mention, I suppose :-) And yeah, my site is a chain of personal epiphanies. (Personal, not universal, and not even particularly novel — just rephrasings of timeless wisdom, perhaps.) I try to share them in such a way that they might strike a chord with someone who reads about them, but I don’t believe what I’m finding for myself is the only way or even the best way for every person out there. And I hope people take what’s relevant to them and leave what isn’t.
Whew. Perhaps I got a bit rambly there. But yeah…this one resonates with me!
Ramble away! I mix in the personal growth in this blog too – so I’m all for it :)
I think you do a great job sharing your perspective and experiences on your blog. Those epiphanies we all have DO matter and are worth sharing because you’re going to find that group of people that “get it”… that feel connected to what your sharing, and that’s what many people want – to feel connected with something bigger than just ourselves. I’ve found that those connections are especially valuable when they both give you a sense of belonging, while still challenging you to find your own unique way.
Thanks for your thoughts!
Thanks, Denise. Yes, to everything you said here.
It’s possible you’ve inspired Friday’s post for me. If so, I’ll definitely send people back here to read the spark :-)
very cool, glad I sparked an idea, I look forward to your fresh perspective :)
What a profound and personal post. I love it!
That Seth Godin quote is the best bit of wisdom I’ve seen in a long time. And self-help/business books started to make a lot more sense when I realized “This is one guy’s experience. This is HIS way of explaining and making sense of things.” So naturally, you’d take a mere opinion with grain of salt, wouldn’t you?
The worst thing about depending on self-help is that it takes the solution out of your hands. You’re looking for someone to hand it to you, instead of figuring it out yourself, or at the very least, *researching* it to help you figure it out.
Great post, Denise.
Thanks, Shanna. I agree. It’s called self-help for a reason, after all. The point isn’t to be dependent or even totally sold on everything you read.