I’ve had my share of mentors. I never referred to them as such. But that was the nature of the relationship.
Building relationships with mentors and talented peers is one of the best ways to nurture your creativity. I’m a HUGE advocate for mentorship.
New Age Mentors
I’m starting to think that people have forgotten about mentorship.
It seems like these days, a paid coach or “consultant” is born every 5 minutes. It’s become the new age, cool thing to do – Hire a coach.
Well, I hate to sound like I’m getting old, but…
Waaay back in my day, we didn’t hire coaches.
We had mentors. And they were free.
Ok, I’m only 32, but still… that’s how we rolled, back when I was starting out as a Pastry Chef.
The way it happened was subtle.
It wasn’t planned.
I never went looking for a mentor.
And I never went looking to mentor someone.
Many professionals reach a point in their career where they are ready to give back through mentorship. But, they don’t offer their time and special attention to everybody.
-Bryan Allain, Community Wins
If you don’t straight out ask, what makes it happen?
In my experience, the potential mentor is drawn to certain traits in the potential apprentice:
Commitment
You don’t have to be a workaholic to find a mentor, but an ideal apprentice shows up when they don’t have to. Not to work more, but to connect more with their mentor.
Looking back at my relationships with past mentors, all the real connection I made was off the clock. During a break, after hours, while shooting the breeze over margaritas, ya know? That sorta thing.
It is a relationship, after all. It’s professional, but, also personal.
Talent, but lacking experience
Or, the talent isn’t obvious yet, but the mentor senses incredible potential.
As dorky as it may sound, most mentors can sense if “the force” is strong within you. And if it’s kinda weak, they might not want to waste their time on someone who isn’t ready to be challenged.
That doesn’t mean hope is lost. It means you have to spend more time on your own. It means you need to figure out how serious you are.
Just because the mentor sees your potential, doesn’t mean you see it yourself. And you NEED to.
Passion
Many people don’t fully understand what the word “passion” means. We throw that word around every time we’re referring to something we like doing ohhhhh so much. Which gives the impression that passion is a picnic.
It’s not. Not exactly…
When you look up passion in the dictionary you find words like – suffering, intense, over-mastering feeling. Passion can even be used to describe an outburst of anger.
Passion is how you feel when you have an innate need to do something and you can’t sleep until you do it right. That doesn’t always feel good.
It can be frustrating and uncomfortable. But it always leads to good… real good. That’s why you’re willing to put up with it. Because it’s worth it.
A mentor is going to want to invest their time in someone who is willing to get uncomfortable and frustrated and still push through it.
Humility + Bravery
It’s like when you were a kid, and adults were always saying “respect your elders”. Except, what you’re respecting isn’t age, it’s experience & talent.
But, humility doesn’t mean you’re weak. Be brave enough to share your ideas too.
The mentor isn’t always right.
A mentor wants to learn too.
Even from an apprentice.
A mentor wants to build a relationship with someone who will help them grow as well. NO relationships in this world are one-sided. It’s never only take. Expect to offer some of your own insight and creative ideas to your mentor as well.
In fact, what the BEST mentors want for their apprentices is for them to out-do them. I’ve seen that to be true time and time again.
And I think the reason is simple: It’s rewarding to nurture another person to reach their potential.
I could go on. Really, I could.
But, right now, I’d rather hear from you…
Have you ever had mentor? Even if you didn’t call them one?
Tell me about it…
I love this post a lot. There are times when I wish I had a mentor but instead I have, well, cohorts, folks who I can call to ask questions of and can call me for the same.
However, lately I seem to be mentoring some younger folks who aren’t afraid to contact me to ask me about consulting and how they might prepare for the eventuality at some point in their life. The funny thing is that, at least to date, none of them were born in the U.S., as it’s almost always India and China. I wonder what that says about American youth, if anything. :-)
Ah, very cool perspective… I didn’t even consider it from a cultural standpoint. Perhaps youth in other countries are more adept to being resourceful – if they want to learn something, they find a way, ask who they need to ask, and do the work. It’s possible American youth has gotten lazy in that respect.
I, honestly, learned most of my trade as a Pastry Chef through mentorship and THEN I went to culinary school and got my certification -which was weird because then school felt like a waste… I didn’t learn as much in a formal education setting. I realized quickly that learning from peers and mentors on the job was far more effective in shaping & refining my skills.
Appreciate your comment, Mitch! :)
What the Mentor expects does not necessarily have to mirror what the mentee.
Its a dance and the music can change.
Absolutely! Thanks for your comment :)
Hey Denise,
Yeah, hiring a coach has become quite the thing these days. Of course I’ve never had a mentor before either so I wasn’t aware that people actually went out of their ways to support others until probably above six years ago when I learned all of this.
I personally would love to help and support people for free for the rest of my life but I can’t eat on free.
I do believe though if you want to excel in something then it’s best to have someone mentor you who is where you want to be. I mean they can help show you how to get there.
I also think that if you can trade services then that’s just as good as being paid. Help each other out, I think that’s the coolest way to go about this.
~Adrienne
Understandable, Adrienne. A mentor doesn’t help and support everyone though. Like you brought out, I don’t think anyone would be able to afford to sacrifice that much time.
It’s usually a relationship with one person at a time and it’s about seeing someone’s potential and feeling impelled to help them reach it – and doing so on a more personal, rather than business type level.
I think a coach is a different ball game altogether – that is a business and I know it should be treated as such – meaning it should pay.
Trading services is an excellent idea and it’s great that you mentioned that! I didn’t consider that.
Thanks for your comment!
Hi Denise,
I’m with you all the way on the current trend for ‘paid’ coaches etc. – I’m sure some are very good, but how do you know you’re going to ‘click’ with someone? You could end up spending loads of money on a relationship that goes nowhere.
As I read your post and the comments, I must admit I feel sad that I’ve never had a particularly deep mentoring relationship with anyone, though I’ve had a few mentors during my career.
I’ve probably gained more from my relationships with people I’ve mentored – because you’re right in saying that the mentor grows and develops in the course of that relationship. If you’re sufficiently open and self-aware, you can learn a lot about yourself when you’re supporting someone else to learn and grow.
Thanks for this – an interesting, thought-provoking read. I’m now in search of a mentor!
Sue
Hi Sue and welcome :) It’s good to hear from someone who has mentored and also felt they grew from it – very cool!
I know what you mean about not knowing if you’d click with a coach – Coaches have their place in the world, but I’d hate for people to forget about the opportunity found in mentorship. Seek out someone whose work you admire, someone who has reached the type of goals you’d like to, and start connecting – that’s how it’s happened for me in the past.
Appreciate your thoughts!
Hi Denise
Didn’t know “Passion” could hurt so bad. Well I never actually thought about it other than maybe it could be obsessive or that could actually be incorrect?
Never thought people as being mentors to me, maybe more like they were extremely helpful and that they were just doing their jobs. There are some people in life who are very supportive and go above and beyond what is expected of them. I feel that I have done that many a time with jobs I have done. If people really like you they will have your back when they don’t have to and that speaks volumes of a person’s character.
Loved what you shared today.
Mary
Lol, sorry.. didn’t mean to make passion sound so painful :) It’s ultimately good stuff, I promise :)
I think a mentor doesn’t just go above and beyond to help some one. A mentor is personally invested in that persons success. They genuinely care if their mentorship is helping that person succeed.
Thanks for your thoughts, Mary!
Last year I launched a women network at my company and now we are 400+ women strong in our branch location alone. That may seem like a lot, but we actually have over 2600+ men, so women are still the minority here. But, I decided to make a bold move late last year and early this year we launched a mentoring program where we paired young professionals with C-level suites women and Mid-Level Managers…we had a huge party (very informal) because I wanted people to truly connect on a personal level. We matched folks up by their interest generally because the truth is, as women, we really don’t work on improving relationships outside of our comfort zone unless we truly connect and really like that person.
Mentoring to me is huge! It leads to coaching/sponsorship, models that can help anyone move on to the next level. To me, finding a mentor should be part of anyone’s professional must-have list. I know for certain that I would not have achieved as much in my entire life if I didn’t have such a huge network of men and women who I reached out to, who knew first-hand what i was capable of, and whenever an opportunity arise, they pick up their phones and give me a call.
That is an awesome and inspiring project you launched! I love it! Mentorship is something I really believe in and I’ll probably write more about it in future posts.. there’s a lot of ground that could be covered there. You would be a great person to interview in regards to that topic!
Really appreciate you sharing that :)
In my relationships of having a mentor and being a mentor, the relationship just seemed to happen. After reading your post, Denise, I realize it was much more than that.
When I was a literacy coach, the Director of Language Arts for our school district was writing curriculum and training coaches for close to 40 schools. You would never think she would have time to mentor someone, but she answered every email within two or three hours and made you feel like she had all the time in the world to “chat education.” Even though I left public education, we are still in touch.
Even though I was paid to be a literacy coach, I had one new teacher who I went above and beyond to mentor. He soaked up everything I gave him and wanted more. He came to me with ideas too. Anyone who walked into his classroom may have mistaken him for a veteran teacher. It was amazing to be a part of it.
Wow, what a great experience, Tammy! Thanks for sharing it :)
I’ve been blessed to have people pour into me at various times of my life. In my current job, I’ve been starting to look for more ways to mentor others. I’ve been completely stuck at some points with this career, and having others willing to help me get to the next level has made all the difference. I want to pass that opportunity on.
Stuck.. yes… I know that feeling all too well. Any support is helpful in that situation – a mentor, peer, friend.. someone to help you get back on track – I know I need that sometimes!
Thanks for your comment, Michael :)
I tend to find mentors for different roles I play. I had a mentor as an filmmaker, a mentor for entrepreneurship, several in fact, and a mentor for just being a man. In one case it was explicit. “I’d like you to mentor me,” and the relationship had a clear formality to it. His job was to look out for my growth. I thought that was the best definition of a mentor because at it’s root, it’s about love.
I love the idea that mentorship is about love, David. I’ve had a wide variety of people in mentor-roles in my life… from my high school English teacher who brought me into the world of theatre and is still one of my best friends to my former boss, and quite a few in between. I don’t know if I’ve ever really mentored anyone else, but I greatly look forward to the day…
Agreed. Love is worth mentioning. I think a mentor can almost be like a nurturing parent.. guiding you in the right direction. There’s a genuine interest there in that relationship. They care. It’s definitely not just “business” like dealing with an employer, for example.
Thank you both for your thoughts!
Yes! “…like a nurturing parent…”
and better, because they (generally) don’t have “trouble seeing you as an adult” buttons that get easily pushed, like with parents.
Yes! Thank you :) That’s much better – being seen as a capable adult, I mean.
Thanks for your comment, Karen :)
Absolutely. In my first internship at a city magazine, my editor ended up being a major influencer over my entire career. I was determined to be a copy editor and started off writing content only because I had to. But he must have seen something in me, and took the time to coach me. Thanks to his persistence, I completely feel in love with writing. Since then writing has opened so many doors for me, and has becoming the number one passion in my career. I don’t know where I would be if it hadn’t been for him.
That’s awesome that his persistence motivated you to keep doing what you love to do. Mentorship is really over-looked these days.
Thanks for sharing that :)
Having a mentor or being a mentor is a wonderful thing. There’s something special about a relationship where giving and taking is fluid, nobody is keeping score over “who’s getting more from this,” and the thought of exchanging any kind of capital other than intellectual doesn’t cross your mind.
I’ve been a mentor to middle school kids and it felt great! I’ve been mentored by former bosses – who challenged me in ways I didn’t expect and gave me responsibilities I had no business having – and it felt great! I would agree that the best mentorships occur organically and often the word “mentor” isn’t even spoken. However, as someone who is seeking a mentor (or two) to lead me in this new world of entrepreneurship, I’ve realized I’ll have to be more ambitious to make them manifest.
I feel that formalizing the mentor/mentee relationship does have its benefits. Setting expectations and boundaries (e.g. we will meet on X day for Y amount of time and discuss ABC topics) do have their place in the relationship. But you hit on a key part here which has been a center point of any mentor/mentee experience I’ve had. It works great when the two people are not just friendly, but are friends. You might not start off as friends with your mentor, but to get the most out of one (and to be able to have fun with them, because who doesn’t want that?), you should quickly grow into pals.
Creating is a lot more fun and meaningful with a mentor on board.
I see your point. I’ve formalized parts of the relationship. Depends on if there was something specific I was trying to work on at the time. If I wanted to get better at xyx, then I would go as far as to make formal arrangements and make sure I got the feedback I needed. So, yeah… I agree, that does have it’s place, for sure.
Thanks for the comment :)
Excellent! I have had three mentors with my first job. Several throughout my life. You are very correct, you must step up to them and let them know you are interested in the knowledge that they have.
With my experience and the mentors I have had, they were more than happy to share their knowledge with you. They were waiting for someone to ask them about their experience.
And once when you open the door, that door never closes.
Excellent point – You’d be surprised how much people will share with you just by you showing interest in what they have to share! Sometimes, that’s all it takes.
Thanks for your comment :)
I love your definition of passion: “That doesn’t always feel good” – so true. This is really helpful, I’ve never had an official mentor, but I have had that same sort of relationship with someone. I learned a lot and we bounced a lot of ideas around – there was never an official recognition that we were mentor-apprentice, which to be honest was a good thing because it just happened organically and didn’t need anything more.
You’re right though – the paid consultant thing is NOT the same. In fact it’s very different.
Organically is best, imho. Ultimately, both parties understand the nature of the relationship either way. Labeling it isn’t required.
Thanks for adding that!
I’ve always found the mentor/apprentice relationship incredibly intriguing, and it’s interesting to see what you have to say about it as someone who’s experienced it personally. I think having that kind of relationship must be incredibly motivating and rewarding, for both parties involved. I’ve had some great teachers. I wouldn’t say, though, that I’ve ever had a mentor. Yet? :)
It has moments of motivation, for sure… but, also frustration because a good mentor will call your bluff to your face. lol. At least, the ones I had did. Respectfully, of course :)
Appreciate the comment!
Isn’t “calling your bluff” part of the (informal) definition? Someone who will call you on your sh*t, but not run you down for it.
Ahh, yes.. “not run you down for it” – love it :)
I’ve had several mentors, and you’re right, most of them chose to mentor me because I wanted to know everything– I went above and beyond what was needed to do the job and into the realm of understanding and mentoring.
Your suggestion of ‘the force’ is interesting as well. Sometimes there are people who don’t actually meet my criteria for mentoring — they’re unfocussed, or they’re in the wrong field at the moment, or they haven’t made the commitment. Call them Will Huntings. But there’s a certain je ne sais quoi about them that makes me prick up my ears, keep an eye on them, because if thy ever decided to go somewhere, they’ll really go!
Oops. That’s supposed to be “understanding and mastery”
Yup, I know what you mean. Those are the people you wana shake until they realize what they’re capable of, but it’s up to them.
Thanks for you comment!
I have been missing you from my reader so glad I saw you this morning on twitter. I need a mentor really badly even in my early 30′s I would like someone who has been there and done it and can give me real advice. I don’t want a mentor who has a goal to reach or trying to prove something.
Well, I’m glad you stopped by, Kita! I agree, I prefer a mutual relationship of trust and respect. No need to prove anything to anyone.